Holidays and the crisis of "the others"

       Getting very, very used to the arrival of holidays and my being completely alone. The real moment passes when the feelings of remorse or sadness or loss (or)...I'm having are so blase, so boring that "feelings" is a lie. I absolutely relish not having to contend with others demands/expectations of warmth- of fellow feeling. 
       Family. We're family? Family just never, ever cut it. It was always pretended closeness- Any ripple in the pretense of harmony would be dealt with by-letting it pass etc. 
Family just never was. I have so few people in my life-even at work. If I looked at me from the outside I just might be concerned. Fuck that. Normality in others- the desire to be a part with commonalities has always irritated me. God how obvious-what is the "having friends to depend on" a paranoid form of disaster insurance? Not a "get out of jail pass" but a "pay the bills while I'm in jail" sort of thing. Probably. I get nostalgic sometimes- cry at the right times watching a movie- miss former lovers etc but the truth of being surrounded again-answerable again frightens me back to my senses.